Awfully Delightful 90's: Songs 40 - 31

And it continues...

#40 The Freshman (The Verve Pipe). Sorry. While many would consider the subject matter to be serious, and sure, it is, when you're so unsubtle about it while trying to be subtle, it just becomes outright laughable. "Now I'm guilt stricken, Sobbing with my head on the floor. Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice" I mean really. Could you be more obvious if you wrote "Dropped her off at Planned Parenthood?" But sticking with the trend of the "How Does That Make You Feel Decade", one must try too hard to get an emotion across in song. Politically incorrect side note: Abortion has got to be the best word EVER to say in a South Boston accent.

#39 Shine (Collective Soul). When you think about it, there really aren't many lyrics to this song, and the most memorable one is when the guitar winds down for a second and someone screams "Yeah". Pretty much sums up mid-90s rock to a tee. Collective Soul is one of only two artists (I could be wrong) with multiple appearances on the countdown. No wonder I've spent way too much money on the iTunes Essential 90's One Hit Wonders

#38 Last Kiss (Pearl Jam). Sure it's a remake. And sure, Pearl Jam is arguably the best band of the decade. But of all the songs to remake they chose this one? 90's cheese got nothin' on early 60's cheese. Especially a cheesy tune with such ridiculous lyrics. Premise is: Teenage boy loses his high school sweetie when he suddenly realizes the car in front of him is stalled (He was probably getting a handy). He swerves to avoid the car, collision ensues, wakes up and while he's alright, the girlfriend is dying. And his daddy's car is wrecked. So now he's making the assumption that the gf is in heaven so he must lead a good life so he can be reunited with her. For starters, when using the moral code of the 1950s, if she was in fact giving him a handjob, she's not in heaven. And even if she was, if this guy lives a long life, taking him to oh, 85 years, who's to say she didn't find a piece of heaven ass to spend eternity with? Maybe some strapping young knight from the Crusades who met his maker at a similar age to her? And was he going to live a life of solitude for the remainder of his earthly existence? If he marries, does he ditch his eventual wife in the afterlife for his prom date that he hasn't seen in nearly 70 years? I have a lot of fundamental disputes with this song.

#37: Only Wanna Be With You (Hootie & The Blowfish). Let me start by saying, in the 1990s, the two entities I probably despised most were Hootie and Rudy Giuliani. I think frontman Darius Rucker was basically the musical version of Colin Powell: A black man that white people would point to and say "I'm not prejudiced, I like _________" (Wayne Brady would later join this club). So why even consider this song and if I disdain them so? The primary reason is it's an homage to probably one of the 5 greatest albums of all time, Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks". I didn't realize it back then because it was nothing more than mere background music playing in public places when I dared venture from campus. But the lyrics cite both "Idiot Wind" and "Tangled Up in Blue" - which I take as an admission of "I suck and cant write good material so let me borrow from the best". Which is A-OK in my book.

#36: Torn (Natalie Imbruglia). Only recently did someone point out to me that this was NOT the theme song to Dawson's Creek. Oh well, was too masculine and too intoxicated to watch that show anyway back in the day. Really, this isn't a good song in the least, but there's one line that just befuddles me and, yeah, provides some interesting imagery: "I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor". I gotta admit, I don't get what being naked has to do with it? Alright, you got dicked over by a guy who didn't turn out who you expected him to be. It happens. But most people don't strip down to their birthday suit before going into a K-Hole of depression. Or did she just happen to be naked when Mr. Wrong called and shattered her life? Maybe en route to the shower? If so, is that really a detail you need to share?

#35: I Touch Myself (The Divynls). Gotta show the early 90s some love. Combined with Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" - this is where we finally stopped beating around the bush: Jerry Falwell and Pope John Paul the Enabler be damned - Human beings have basic animal instincts and there's nothing wrong with that. Half a decade later, Trent Reznor would expand on the notion.

#34: Mutt (Blink 182). Another song featured in American Pie - this song actually gets some credit for calling out the mentality of the late 90's Meat Heads. Pretty much the types of people featured in "My New Haircut". And did I mention it was in American Pie?

#33: Shimmy Shimmy Ya (Ol' Dirty Bastard). This is some quintessential mid-90s rap right here. Simple premise, count how many different ways you can stress the last word of the sentence: "Oooo Baby I like it Raw". And as per usual, teenage white kids ate it up like candy. Present company included. Heck, I even had the cassette single.


#32: Inside Out (Eve 6) - This is pretty close to hitting on all of the required criteria for a successful 90's radio hit, especially more so since it's one giant tribute to self-doubt. Find nothing but faith in nothing. Clever, gents. And full of substance. I don't think you could get a record deal after 1995 unless you considered yourself a lost cause, or had been hospitalized with suicidal tendencies. Now, I'm not one to blame everything on public education, but I do remember clearly having to read "Catcher in the Rye" and "The Stranger" in a 2 year span of High School, during what's considered to be an important psychological stage of development. But there I go getting all ninetiesish and looking for underlying factors. All I can say is those poor souls who didn't know how to cope with life in the late 1990s must find themselves in dire straits these days.

#31: What's Up? (Four Non-Blondes) - Alright, we're finally getting closer to the root cause of all that is evil in the world. Who is the culprit that is depriving humankind of their self esteem? Who makes it impossible to get out of bed in the morning? Why, just ask these lovely ladies from San Francisco: Men. Yep. Finally. As I'm going through this list, I'm getting quite worried for the well being of all these despondent and lost musicians, I mean, to go through life like that is just so tragic. But now we know: The Brotherhood of Man is controlling the universe. This wouldn't be a comprehensive 90's Countdown without some good old fashioned man-hate rock.


You're still saying "A-baaww-shun" in a Boston accent, aren't you?