Awfully Delightful 90's: Songs 40 - 31

And it continues...

#40 The Freshman (The Verve Pipe). Sorry. While many would consider the subject matter to be serious, and sure, it is, when you're so unsubtle about it while trying to be subtle, it just becomes outright laughable. "Now I'm guilt stricken, Sobbing with my head on the floor. Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice" I mean really. Could you be more obvious if you wrote "Dropped her off at Planned Parenthood?" But sticking with the trend of the "How Does That Make You Feel Decade", one must try too hard to get an emotion across in song. Politically incorrect side note: Abortion has got to be the best word EVER to say in a South Boston accent.

#39 Shine (Collective Soul). When you think about it, there really aren't many lyrics to this song, and the most memorable one is when the guitar winds down for a second and someone screams "Yeah". Pretty much sums up mid-90s rock to a tee. Collective Soul is one of only two artists (I could be wrong) with multiple appearances on the countdown. No wonder I've spent way too much money on the iTunes Essential 90's One Hit Wonders

#38 Last Kiss (Pearl Jam). Sure it's a remake. And sure, Pearl Jam is arguably the best band of the decade. But of all the songs to remake they chose this one? 90's cheese got nothin' on early 60's cheese. Especially a cheesy tune with such ridiculous lyrics. Premise is: Teenage boy loses his high school sweetie when he suddenly realizes the car in front of him is stalled (He was probably getting a handy). He swerves to avoid the car, collision ensues, wakes up and while he's alright, the girlfriend is dying. And his daddy's car is wrecked. So now he's making the assumption that the gf is in heaven so he must lead a good life so he can be reunited with her. For starters, when using the moral code of the 1950s, if she was in fact giving him a handjob, she's not in heaven. And even if she was, if this guy lives a long life, taking him to oh, 85 years, who's to say she didn't find a piece of heaven ass to spend eternity with? Maybe some strapping young knight from the Crusades who met his maker at a similar age to her? And was he going to live a life of solitude for the remainder of his earthly existence? If he marries, does he ditch his eventual wife in the afterlife for his prom date that he hasn't seen in nearly 70 years? I have a lot of fundamental disputes with this song.

#37: Only Wanna Be With You (Hootie & The Blowfish). Let me start by saying, in the 1990s, the two entities I probably despised most were Hootie and Rudy Giuliani. I think frontman Darius Rucker was basically the musical version of Colin Powell: A black man that white people would point to and say "I'm not prejudiced, I like _________" (Wayne Brady would later join this club). So why even consider this song and if I disdain them so? The primary reason is it's an homage to probably one of the 5 greatest albums of all time, Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks". I didn't realize it back then because it was nothing more than mere background music playing in public places when I dared venture from campus. But the lyrics cite both "Idiot Wind" and "Tangled Up in Blue" - which I take as an admission of "I suck and cant write good material so let me borrow from the best". Which is A-OK in my book.

#36: Torn (Natalie Imbruglia). Only recently did someone point out to me that this was NOT the theme song to Dawson's Creek. Oh well, was too masculine and too intoxicated to watch that show anyway back in the day. Really, this isn't a good song in the least, but there's one line that just befuddles me and, yeah, provides some interesting imagery: "I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor". I gotta admit, I don't get what being naked has to do with it? Alright, you got dicked over by a guy who didn't turn out who you expected him to be. It happens. But most people don't strip down to their birthday suit before going into a K-Hole of depression. Or did she just happen to be naked when Mr. Wrong called and shattered her life? Maybe en route to the shower? If so, is that really a detail you need to share?

#35: I Touch Myself (The Divynls). Gotta show the early 90s some love. Combined with Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" - this is where we finally stopped beating around the bush: Jerry Falwell and Pope John Paul the Enabler be damned - Human beings have basic animal instincts and there's nothing wrong with that. Half a decade later, Trent Reznor would expand on the notion.

#34: Mutt (Blink 182). Another song featured in American Pie - this song actually gets some credit for calling out the mentality of the late 90's Meat Heads. Pretty much the types of people featured in "My New Haircut". And did I mention it was in American Pie?

#33: Shimmy Shimmy Ya (Ol' Dirty Bastard). This is some quintessential mid-90s rap right here. Simple premise, count how many different ways you can stress the last word of the sentence: "Oooo Baby I like it Raw". And as per usual, teenage white kids ate it up like candy. Present company included. Heck, I even had the cassette single.


#32: Inside Out (Eve 6) - This is pretty close to hitting on all of the required criteria for a successful 90's radio hit, especially more so since it's one giant tribute to self-doubt. Find nothing but faith in nothing. Clever, gents. And full of substance. I don't think you could get a record deal after 1995 unless you considered yourself a lost cause, or had been hospitalized with suicidal tendencies. Now, I'm not one to blame everything on public education, but I do remember clearly having to read "Catcher in the Rye" and "The Stranger" in a 2 year span of High School, during what's considered to be an important psychological stage of development. But there I go getting all ninetiesish and looking for underlying factors. All I can say is those poor souls who didn't know how to cope with life in the late 1990s must find themselves in dire straits these days.

#31: What's Up? (Four Non-Blondes) - Alright, we're finally getting closer to the root cause of all that is evil in the world. Who is the culprit that is depriving humankind of their self esteem? Who makes it impossible to get out of bed in the morning? Why, just ask these lovely ladies from San Francisco: Men. Yep. Finally. As I'm going through this list, I'm getting quite worried for the well being of all these despondent and lost musicians, I mean, to go through life like that is just so tragic. But now we know: The Brotherhood of Man is controlling the universe. This wouldn't be a comprehensive 90's Countdown without some good old fashioned man-hate rock.


You're still saying "A-baaww-shun" in a Boston accent, aren't you?

Awfully Delightful 90's: Songs 50 - 41

Let's get this party started! Per the rules mentioned Friday - to qualify for the countdown, a song must be both AWFUL and DELIGHTFUL at the same time, so many songs have been disqualified that would pop up in other rankings, countdowns or in your own opinion.

One other disclaimer: I've limited this to songs within my own 47 Gigs. Made research a hell of a lot easier. Even if it means publicly owning up to having these songs on Reggie (my iPod - named after Reggie Wayne because I purchased it with some Fantasy Football winnings and let's face it, I can't name an iPod after Donovan McNabb.

But first, a moment of silence to those just missing the cut:
How's It Gonna Be (Third Eye Blind)
Save Tonight (Eagle Eye Cherry)
Barbie Girl (Aqua)
Disarm (Smashing Pumpkins)
Everything By Boyz II Men
Lump (Presidents of the United States of America)
Sexual (Amber)
My Name Is (Eminem)
Lightning Crashes (Live)

Now on to business:
#50: What It's Like (Everlast): You gotta give it up for a song that describes a homeless man as being "full of mange" - a term normally reserved for shelter dogs - but does so in a sympathetic way. Furthermore, the basic premise of this song is "Be grateful your not homeless". OK then. I'm aware, and thankful that I have a roof over my head. But I must ask, Mr. Everlast - what bolt of lightning struck you from your donkey? When we last heard from you, you were Vanilla Icin' it for House of Pain telling me to Jump Around and warning me not to eat pigs because a pig is a cop. I guess being Irish and having a record deal means you must devote your life to the poor.

#49: You Wanted More (Tonic): Who the hell names their band after a mixer? Did some aspiring group already have a copyright on Cranberry Juice? Apparently someone in the band shoplifted a book of love poetry from Barnes and Noble and added their own sophomoric chorus to the mix and the result was a feature spot on an Awfully Delightful Soundtrack. "Love is color, Love is love, Love is never saying you're too proud. Love is trusting, Love is honest, Love is not a hand that holds you down." Love is Love. Deep man. Freakin DEEP! I'd really like to hear Mr. Tonic's wedding vows. "I want you to be my wife. Because a wife is a wife." And yes, this only qualifies as delightful because it reminds me of American Pie. The greatest comedy of the decade.

#48: Take a Picture (Filter): Awake on my airplane, Awake on my airplane. The essential 1990's Pop Song: static voice, shrill guitar, repetitive lyrics and piss-poor symbolism. Very few songs were able to accomplish the "Grand Slam" like this one-hit-wonder did. Bonus points for using overly-90s terms like Sanctity and Hypocrisy. And assuming that they rhyme because they both end in "y". And they even kick their cliche into overdrive by blatantly blaring out their angst at their old man at the end of the song. I've always thought that the unofficial motto of the 1990s was "And How Does That Make You Feel?". And these guys feel inadequate, and they want you to know. Kudos.

#47: Man, I Feel Like a Woman (Shania Twain). Some prefer the original version of this song, "All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun" by Sheryl Crow. But not me.

#46: Why Don't You Get a Job? (The Offspring). Yeah, all it takes sometimes to get me to like a song is lines like "I hate that bitch" or "I hate that dick". This comes pretty close to touching on all of the markers for an essential 90s song, only missing the pretentious lyrics. But more importantly, it reminds me of a time where one could in fact get a job. Oh how far we've fallen.

#45: Genie In a Bottle (Christina Aguilera). I am so happy that, in 1999, I was not able to bet heavily on "Christina versus Brittney: Who Becomes The Trainwreck?." Cause I'd have bet every last penny on the Diirrrty Christina. I could have sworn soft-core porn was in her future and her achievement ceiling was basically going to be that of Samantha Foxx. And yes, I'm to ashamed to wiki Christina's age to find out how old she was in 1999. But come on, you can't escape the innuendo in "Gotta rub me the right way". That alone is the qualifier. Or, at least that's what I'm telling myself to justify admitting that I own this song.

#44: December (Collective Soul). Why drink the water from my hand? Contagious as you think I am. Just tilt my sun towards your domain. Your cup runneth over again. Wow. I think we have a winner for the definitive opening verse to a 1990s song. Is it possible to be more self-absorbed than comparing oneself to the Sun? And providing water? Other Benchmark Nineties Words used include Ambiance, Treachery and Vanity. Throw in the fact that you can hardly make out what they're singing and BAM! It all comes together.

#43: Pepper (Butthole Surfers) I'm not gonna lie. I have no effing clue what the hell this song's about. I know it uses such 90's buzzwords as "disease" and "racist" and it ends with a death or two. And of course, over-the-top symbolism and the use of "the sun" (90's musicians were the most sun-obsessed people since the Ancient Egyptians). But in terms of what the hell it all means? You got me.

#42: Far Behind (Candlebox). A throwback. A Golden Oldie. A hairband singing about losing a love one to drug use. A decade too late. But since I got me a hardcore hairband addiction, I can't let this last great 80s power-ballad go unnoticed.

#41: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) (The Proclaimers). Yes, this song is 100% miserable. There are very, very few redeeming qualities. But I got a very good friend who does a knockout performance of this song if you get about 53 ounces of bud light in him. (if you ask nicely enough, I'll pass along the youtube link). I tip my hat to him, because he took one of the 100 worst songs ever recorded and made it memorable, forever changing my opinion of the tune, and proving that there's hope for Coldplay after all. You know, if you wanna get shitfaced and sing Clocks to me.


If all goes well, #40 - #31 tomorrow.

Coming Next Week: Awfully Delightful 90s

So after an hour in the car with 20 ounces of coffee, a piece of Nicorette gum and an iPod shuffling through some 90's tunes, it has been decided that I must make a countdown of the Top 50 Awfully Delightful songs from the 1990s, starting Monday, to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of post-90's life. Which sucks by the way.

However, there are some ground rules to get out of the way immediately:

-A song must be both Awful and Delightful. Not either-or. So delightful songs by reputable bands in the 1990s will not be elligible. Nor will songs that are just plain awful. Sorry, Right Said Fred, Ricky Martin and Billy Ray.

-If Rob Thomas is prominently involved, a song qualifies, even if you are a reputable, legendary musician (cough: Carlos Santana)

-If you're a Canadian who was scorned by Uncle Joey after you blew him in a cineplex, your song will definately rank high.

-80's holdovers who happened to score big in the early 1990s, such as Slaughter, Firehouse, and Mr. Big, are not elligible. Furthermore, artists who may have spanned the decade but still sound the way they did in the 70s or 80s like Aerosmith, Metallica, U2 and Bon Jovi will also not qualify.

-If I only know your song cause I was sitting in a dorm room baked like a muffin and found it hysterical, that doesn't count. Phish's "Weigh" and "At a Medium Pace" by Adam Sandler not excluded. The song must be widly known.

That sounds about right for now. #50 through #41 will hopefully be posted on Monday. Yoda Willing.